I’ve stopped calling Fear my Enemy. He’s just an overly cautious worrywart who gets blamed for all the things I’m reluctant to take responsibility for. He’s certainly taking a lot of flak these days. Social media is full of articles on fear of failure, fear of success, fear of commitment and fear of missing out (FOMO). We’re flooded with information about the negative impact Fear has on our lives and our ability – or inability – to make decisions.
I think that’s misleading. I believe Fear is my Protector. He is trying to ensure that I don’t do something stupid or dangerous. How that translates to not wanting to miss out on something isn’t clear. Chances are that not taking action is more damaging than making a choice and deciding it’s either good or bad. At least that way I could learn from my choices and move ahead.
That’s not to say that Fear doesn’t have an influence on me. He’s been a lifelong companion since I died on the operating table when I was eight years old. You might say he has a vested interest in trying to make sure I don’t do anything to go back to that dark hole.
I’ve definitely kept Fear busy over the years. I’ve done stupid things and taken crazy risks. It’s part of being human. Fear has always been there to caution “I don’t know…” or “Let’s not go there.” Sometimes he even screams: ”No! No you shouldn’t do this! Oh please Vera, don’t do that that!”
There were times I ignored Fear and had amazing experiences. And there were times I got hurt. On the other hand, I’ve also been hurt listening to Fear’s fears. Like the times I gave in to that annoying voice and didn’t do things I wanted to do. Was that Fear’s fault?
It’s about my Choices
I’ve come to realize that most of what falls apart in my life centers around WHY I do something. When I make a choice based on being accepted by others, I’m usually not making the right choice. One of my values is authenticity. If I am trying to please others instead of looking inside myself and seeing what’s important to Me, then I am not being authentic.
I concede that there are things we need to do in life that we don’t like. But when we choose to do something that our gut tells us isn’t the right thing, we need to stop and ask why.
I’ve asked why a lot in my life. I haven’t always had an answer. Or maybe I just didn’t want to know the answer. Because typically the answer was that I wasn’t doing what I believed to be right for me or for the situation. I was doing what I thought others would like me to do. Or would like me for doing. That’s not how to be true to myself.
Using pop psychology, I could blame “fear of not belonging” for doing or not doing things that kept me from showing up authentically. Alternatively, I could channel Brené Brown and get curious about how and why I would give Fear any kind of power to affect my choices.
I chose the curiosity route when I started working on the Alter Ego challenge. I kept asking myself what was trapping me – holding me back from achieving my potential?
It’s about my Actions
My instinct was to start with the assumption that Fear was my enemy. But as I explored my motives and feelings, I realized that Fear is a reaction, not an action. Fear starts nattering in response to something that I’m thinking of doing.
That’s when it dawned on me: Fear is my protector. He wants the best for me. He just doesn’t always know what’s best. I’ll accept that – I’m not sure I always do either.
If I accept this premise, I have a problem: I don’t have Fear to blame for my screw-ups and missed opportunities. Without that questioning voice, how am I going to know I’m making the right decisions? What will happen if I politely explain to Fear “I’ve got this; go take a well-deserved rest.” Trusting myself is a scary thought!
It’s about my Values
Letting go of Fear as my scapegoat means that I am responsible for my actions. That’s easier to accept if I trust my values to guide me.
When I act from a place of love for myself, my family and my friends…and when I start from a place of compassion for others, I am making choices for the right reasons. I see potential instead of feeling that life is against me. And when I act from a caring point of view, I am coming from my authentic self. Because I truly am full of love, joy, laughter, and a curiosity for life. For learning. For growing. For adventure.
My greatest moments happen when I trust that who I am is more than good enough. With that in mind, I will continue to invite Fear to alert me to danger…knowing that he no longer has to worry about me being my own worst enemy.
